[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
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This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell