Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
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If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
I unironically love this joke.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
I’m having an out of money experience.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably