ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
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you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
smh
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.