Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
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Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it