Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?

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I hate that theres no way to know if you’re on track or not for your annual consumption of 8 spiders


If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!


my favorite small talk thing to do with trust fund kids in Los Angeles is ask “so what do you do for work?” and watch them try to come up with something.


Date: What are you thinking about?

Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich


The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me


Three strangers came to the door and asked if I’d found Jesus. I said no, then offered to join in the manhunt.


I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!


Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..

Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?

Me: Still no signs…


Most of us get into advertising for the money. Me? I’ve just always had a passion for making people feel bad