@3sunzzz

Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?

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@prufrockluvsong

Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.

@celticrose2312

I bought shampoo for “badly behaved” hair. So relieved my hair will finally stop robbing banks and terrorising old ladies.

@orny_xo

Nothing says authentic Chinese food like a neon “We Delivery” sign.

@DanMentos

“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office

@deloisivete

Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?

-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut

@filloryqueenA

When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment

@iscoff

We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair

@E_lok44

The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.

@CalmTomb

BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern