Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
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-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Friday night party time 🥳
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Jesus Christ lmao
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.