@3sunzzz

Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?

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@queenjoheen

I hate that theres no way to know if you’re on track or not for your annual consumption of 8 spiders

@WICKEDTRUTH01

If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!

@ellorysmith

my favorite small talk thing to do with trust fund kids in Los Angeles is ask “so what do you do for work?” and watch them try to come up with something.

@ArfMeasures

Date: What are you thinking about?

Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich

@anerdonfire2

The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me

@realHamOnWry

Three strangers came to the door and asked if I’d found Jesus. I said no, then offered to join in the manhunt.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!

@brianbowman73

Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..

Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?

Me: Still no signs…

@lanyardigan

Most of us get into advertising for the money. Me? I’ve just always had a passion for making people feel bad