Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
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My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
yes… yes…
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice