I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
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i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
They also CAN sing✌️
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
5 ways to appear taller
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”