@weismanjake

“Um, thanks?” -A woman who posed for a Picasso painting

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@arcadeseals

doctor: how are you feeling

me: with nerve endings, you should really know this

@Jaywoo74

Wife: Are you coming or not?
Me: Is there gonna be alcohol?
Wife: It’s your grandmother’s funeral!
M:…
Wife: NO!
Me: Then I’m not coming.

@Cheeseboy22

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.

@Skullcat

When a big account that doesn’t follow me stars me suddenly, I crouch down and stay still, hoping it will tiptoe up and eat from my hand.

@iGreenMonk

Some people hear voices..

Some see invisible people..

Others have no imagination whatsoever.

@marinhubka

[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want

@noog

*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive

@English_Channel

I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st