doctor: how are you feeling
me: with nerve endings, you should really know this
“Um, thanks?” -A woman who posed for a Picasso painting
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Wife: Are you coming or not?
Me: Is there gonna be alcohol?
Wife: It’s your grandmother’s funeral!
Me: Then I’m not coming.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
When a big account that doesn’t follow me stars me suddenly, I crouch down and stay still, hoping it will tiptoe up and eat from my hand.
Forgets to set alarm, wakes up 3 days later.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Some people hear voices..
Some see invisible people..
Others have no imagination whatsoever.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st