When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
You Might Also Like
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.