‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
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You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
I was just discussing this with my cat
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.