Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
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Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Breaking news:
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I