Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!

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what idiot named it Mail Order Bride instead of Male Order Bride?


People with Bluetooth headsets always look like the least important people you could possibly call.


One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good


[at gym]

me: [wiping down equipment after finishing with it]

cute girl: you don’t have to do that with the vending machine. are you crying


There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.


While I fully intended to “sleep my way to the top,” it appears I’ve napped my way to the middle.


Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?

Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?


Ask a girl if she wants to dance. If she says yes then start shooting at her feet. Congratulations you are now Yosemite Sam