Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
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[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”