@joshgondelman

Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!

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@RatCasket

what idiot named it Mail Order Bride instead of Male Order Bride?

@juliussharpe

People with Bluetooth headsets always look like the least important people you could possibly call.

@LoveNLunchmeat

One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good

@BoozeWallet

[at gym]

me: [wiping down equipment after finishing with it]

cute girl: you don’t have to do that with the vending machine. are you crying

@iamspacegirl

There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.

@WilliamAder

While I fully intended to “sleep my way to the top,” it appears I’ve napped my way to the middle.

@ThugRaccoons

Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?

Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?

@rzarosco

Ask a girl if she wants to dance. If she says yes then start shooting at her feet. Congratulations you are now Yosemite Sam