My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
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I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.