@Cpin42

Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.

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@TheHyyyype

[lava kids playing in a volcano]

“the floor is linoleum!”

@P_o_n_k

Bitten by a radioactive Batman, Batmanman has all the powers and abilities of a Batman.

@ArfMeasures

[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?

BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most

ME: Are u sure?!

B: Yeah easy, trust me

@sofarrsogud

My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.

@RowdyBowden

Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.

@fsuflores

An ice bucket challenge …

But for when teenagers don’t want to get out of bed and get ready for school.

@ibid78

Judge: You’re sentenced to death. You’ll be hung.
Wife from the back: HE’S ALREADY HUNG.
Me: Your Honor uncuff me so I can high five my wife

@krustythe_klown

Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.

@Jake_Vig

When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”