Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.

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[lava kids playing in a volcano]

“the floor is linoleum!”


Bitten by a radioactive Batman, Batmanman has all the powers and abilities of a Batman.


[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?

BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most

ME: Are u sure?!

B: Yeah easy, trust me


My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.


Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.


An ice bucket challenge …

But for when teenagers don’t want to get out of bed and get ready for school.


Judge: You’re sentenced to death. You’ll be hung.
Wife from the back: HE’S ALREADY HUNG.
Me: Your Honor uncuff me so I can high five my wife


Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.


When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”