Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
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My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
honestly, i need both:
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
When your parents check you’re ok.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*