“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
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My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
I’m aging like a fine banana
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage