“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
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What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.