Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
You Might Also Like
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats