Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
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Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works