Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
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If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Ooh I do like a good funnel
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Saturday
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.