Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
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How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
shit just got real
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Unexpected Judgment
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener