Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
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Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
fly smarter, not harder
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?