Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
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My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Saturday
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.