Unbelievable that I am meant to eat healthy, have a social life, go to the gym and also meet my deadlines

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A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.


[tsunami approaches]

Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.

Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.


What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*


Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*

Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”

Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”


Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.


Of course I’m not leaving. I’m just going to step outside for a minute. (Runs to car)


gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss

me: *whispering to guy* she is


Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.


I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.