Unbelievable that I am meant to eat healthy, have a social life, go to the gym and also meet my deadlines

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My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.

He’s going to be a terrible business owner.

But an incredible mob boss.


4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?

Me: Yeah, in a minute

4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer


Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.


Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.


According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/


The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.


Wife: “We’ve had too many children. Where will they all sleep?”

Husband: “I don’t know. Just stack ’em in the corners or something.”

– how bunk beds were invented


Who called it an “insanity plea” and not a “loco motion”?


everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.


My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.

~Superglue, probably..