@BeeBabs

Unbelievable that I am meant to eat healthy, have a social life, go to the gym and also meet my deadlines

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@longwall26

A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.

@ABurgerADay

[tsunami approaches]

Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.

Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.

@SergioValenCo

What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*

@1_swarthy_dude

Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*

Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”

Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”

@jackiembouvier

Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.

@kwirkyKerri

Of course I’m not leaving. I’m just going to step outside for a minute. (Runs to car)

@ClichedOut

gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss

me: *whispering to guy* she is

@yoyoha

Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.

@JocMaxedOut

I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.