uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
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GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
I’m Sold!
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]