The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
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I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.