[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
You Might Also Like
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three