@dorsalstream

[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.

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@omgthatspunny

It is tough to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.

@rolldiggity

A fun gym game is to drag your treadmill behind someone else’s, and then run with a determined glare while holding a bat.

@freudianscript

You know you’re suffering from stress when you have too much on your plate and it isn’t food.

@mortimermaiden

*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

@bencoffeehall

My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.

@QwertyJones3

ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!

FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?

ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.

@shutupmikeginn

The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.

@PatsATweetin

Agent: I have a script for you.

Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?

Agent: Yes.

Radcliffe: I’ll do it.

@JamColley

two year old comes up to me asking if I’ve seen a dummy, unaware that she’s just set herself up for the most brutal slam of her little life.

@Godhatespants

Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie

*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*