[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.

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“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.


wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die


When a girl tells you how many guys she’s slept with, multiply by 3 and add the number of guys in her phone named Tyler


ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.


I illegally download music, but only Metallica.

They seem to be pretty cool about it.


Sometimes I drink water just to surprise my liver…


me: tries to sleep.

clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.


I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”