under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
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Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin