under no circumstances will my brother take the L
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Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*