@HenpeckedHal

under no circumstances will my brother take the L

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@shutupmikeginn

As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.

@AnitaHelmet

If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.

@NCSox

Writer: “Is it ‘firsthand’ or ‘first hand’?”
Editor: “Either one is fine.”

@mommajessiec

My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.

@weinerdog4life

If everyone would stop screaming, I’m sure we’d all agree I’m not supposed to be in this women’s restroom.

@Book_Krazy

Dr: You’ve gained some weight

Me: You said I should take it easy

Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick

Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER

@Bagyants

If you love something, let it go. From the creators of “If you’re tired, go for a run,” and “If you’re on fire, eat bees”

@EJGomez

*slams fists on coffee table*
WHAT WAS SCAR FROM LION KINGS NAME BEFORE HE GOT THE SCAR

@danadonly

i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on