@HenpeckedHal

under no circumstances will my brother take the L

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@seamussaid

people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire

@mindflakes

The key to any successful relationship is to prevent your partner from being carried away by a large bird

@Divergentmama

My husband leaves town for a week: see ya!

I leave town for a week: here’s the kids pickup and dropoff times at school, all 3 practice schedules, doctors and dentist appointments, shopping list, dinner menu and PLEASE DONT FORGET TO FEED THE KIDS.

@kwirkyKerri

That awkward moment when you can’t decide if it’s just a bad pic or you really look like that.

@thenatewolf

ME: Being a scientist is just asking questions. So, in a way, we’re all scientists.

ACTUAL SCIENTIST: No. Becoming a scientist requires years of-

ME: Looking up at the stars in wonderment. I hear you, respected peer.

@Overdue_Bills

Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??

@leechee420

Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.