under no circumstances will my brother take the L
You Might Also Like
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Happy Halloween 🎃
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.