Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
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Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
I’m putting together a team
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Smallpox sounds so adorable