at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
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I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Hey, are you a broadleaved deciduous hardwood tree?
BIRCH I MIGHT BE
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
I’m more likely to wear a donut on my wrist than any fitness tracker.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.