@offbeatoliv

Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party

Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party

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@70Ceeks

at the salon thinking of going darker for winter

maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl

@kimmie_1980

I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!

@jjhartinger

[Commercial for Legos]

Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?

@Sickayduh

Hey, are you a broadleaved deciduous hardwood tree?

BIRCH I MIGHT BE

@Reverend_Scott

[5 min into first date]

Her: I have a pug named Piglet-

Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn

@skedaddle74

As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.

I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”

@jane_bot

I’m more likely to wear a donut on my wrist than any fitness tracker.

@Bripping_Talls

Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?

*Laughs in 2020*

@lmegordon

5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.

Me: Yup, that’s right.

5: And my brother will be 9.

Me: Good job.

5: And you’ll be fort-

Me: That’s enough math for now.