[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
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Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!