@EJGomez

undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss

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@FredTaming

exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts

ceo: what’s the name

exec: duran duran duran

ceo: that’s way too many durans

exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir

ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans

exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir

@Tommytoughstuff

COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”

@LittleMissAngr1

I accidentally prayed on people’s weaknesses instead of preying on them, and now they just think I’m kind.

@david8hughes

[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine

@ashleyaustrew

Me: I do f-ing everything around here! I’m sick of it!

Family: *tries to help*

Me: That’s not…what are you…no…wrong…LET ME DO IT

@1970RobD

The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

#1PUN

@GibJimson

If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.

You can start billing people for psychic readings.

@JohnLyonTweets

I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.

@AmnesiaRose

Yes you impress me. But so does a squirrel crossing a telephone wire.