exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
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COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
I accidentally prayed on people’s weaknesses instead of preying on them, and now they just think I’m kind.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Me: I do f-ing everything around here! I’m sick of it!
Family: *tries to help*
Me: That’s not…what are you…no…wrong…LET ME DO IT
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Yes you impress me. But so does a squirrel crossing a telephone wire.