undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
You Might Also Like
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.