Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
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I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
How to wake up a Beagle
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
My dog after a walk in the woods.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow