*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
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Every damn time
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Lmfao
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.