[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?

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My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.


[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]

*extended period of silence*

“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”


[At the coroners’ to identify a body]

Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”


Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza


Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery

Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness

Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone


*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*


My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back


Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.


My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.