My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
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[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
She was unique.
Like a unique person.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.