[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
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me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest