[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
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Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer