
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
a:1:{s:7:”retweet”;i:1;}
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
When I refer to kids as “Snot-dripping, germ-spreading spawns of Satan” I hope you realize I’m not referring specifically to YOUR children.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you canโt go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom