Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@FinallyHeSleeps

Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.

Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.

@SortaBad

*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”

Sir this is a daycare…

“uh huh *winks* a daycare”

@caseytduncan

Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.

@MindyFurano

Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress

@DaddyJew

[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]

Are you sure you’re ok?

@EmmyStar79

I dunno, I think Kim Jung Un’s surgeon did a killer job.

@OneFunnyMummy

My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.

@lilgapeach30

Girls. Don’t get upset if your twitter crush stars a really hot girl or even retweets her cause she is prolly really a dude. Stay calm.

@gitson_shiggles

Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.

@TheAlexP

[At bar]

*all sweaty after doing the worm*

Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?

Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.