Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
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“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
new shirt idea
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now