Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Understanding women isn’t rocket science.
Rocket science has rules and boundaries.
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*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
I dunno, I think Kim Jung Un’s surgeon did a killer job.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Girls. Don’t get upset if your twitter crush stars a really hot girl or even retweets her cause she is prolly really a dude. Stay calm.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.