@chagger73

Understanding women isn’t rocket science.

Rocket science has rules and boundaries.

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@dafloydsta

WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?

@

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@Jake_Vig

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.

******************

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR CAT: Me too.

@mikejanson2

Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

A: You look for the fresh prints!

I’ll show myself out y’all

@KimmyMonte

The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.

@man_in_radiator

My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.

@edgarrants

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

@_SingleBabyMama

“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”

aaaaand….now I’m bald.

@Tierno158

When I refer to kids as “Snot-dripping, germ-spreading spawns of Satan” I hope you realize I’m not referring specifically to YOUR children.

@JodingersCat

TSA Officer: Ma’am, you canโ€™t go through security with that much liquid

Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom