Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
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11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Lol
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it