@KeetPotato

[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]

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@monks_19

If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?

@dumbbeezie

When you say you don’t feel good

“Are you pregnant?” -people without kids
“Do you have to poop?” -people with kids

@LizHackett

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.

@Traceylei2

What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.

@QwertyJones3

[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]

“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”

@junejuly12

Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds

Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds

@karanbirtinna

Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?

Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.