If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
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When you say you don’t feel good
“Are you pregnant?” -people without kids
“Do you have to poop?” -people with kids
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.