@AristotlesNZ

Undressing with the curtains open is my little way of giving back to the old ladies in our neighborhood watch.

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@copymama

Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.

@HiddleDeeDee

If your pharmacist was as hot as mine, you’d be in line for your fifteenth flu shot as well.

@daemonic3

[home depot]

me: i think i like this huge decorative rock

her: boulder

me: ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK

@djdarrellripley

You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.

*baby starts crying*

@wumother

Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?

@BuckyIsotope

DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen

@3sunzzz

If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.

@funflaps

[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]

ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor

CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this

@Death_Buddy

Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:

1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium

@Sir_Strange

Women who don’t even acknowledge your existence just want you to try harder.

I recommend hiding naked in her closet with a block of cheese.