@AristotlesNZ

Undressing with the curtains open is my little way of giving back to the old ladies in our neighborhood watch.

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@junejuly12

Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*

Him: how was your day, babe?

@TweetsByKaylee

him: what are you studying?

me: engineering

him: wow! what do you plan on doing with the degree?

me: *drying beer glass* probably this

@myles_morrison

Sometimes I miss my real friends and then I think, screw them, they don’t even star my tweets.

@grillyjoel

[Kitchen]

*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*

ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}

@aPunch2theJunk

HAVE SOME FUN WITH YOUR LIFE:

Whisper “You should have killed me when you had the chance” to the person in the bathroom stall next to you.