Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
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I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂