The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
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My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”