A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
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I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
I hate everything
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.