Unemployment Offices just emailed me to be a truck driver. I can’t drive a vehicle let alone a transformer
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Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
What I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have adquired over a….
*Accidentally drops cell phone on the toilet*
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
GHOST TEEN: [sneaks back in at 2am]
GHOST MUM: [waiting up 4 him] you’re busted!
GHOST DAD: Jesus Karen ground him don’t BUST him holy shit
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
waiter: say when
other waiter: haha say it again