@Royal_Stein

Unemployment Offices just emailed me to be a truck driver. I can’t drive a vehicle let alone a transformer

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@JeffisTallguy

Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here

@gianni_bcn

What I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have adquired over a….

*Accidentally drops cell phone on the toilet*

@AbbieEvansXO

GHOST TEEN: [sneaks back in at 2am]
GHOST MUM: [waiting up 4 him] you’re busted!
GHOST DAD: Jesus Karen ground him don’t BUST him holy shit

@shutupmikeginn

Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%

@Rollmaninoz

Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: I’ll have a small drink.

Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.

Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!