How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
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had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.