Unemployment Offices just emailed me to be a truck driver. I can’t drive a vehicle let alone a transformer

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teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot


I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me


Being a zombie wouldn’t be that bad if it wasn’t for all the walking.


Flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that on the plane.

Me: this is my emotional support chainsaw.


I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.


Dear Prudence,

We missed out flight when the TSA discovered my musket hidden in my carry on bag.

Also, I couldn’t get my cell phone to charge because electricity hasn’t been invented yet.



I tried to think of a funny caption for this but nothing could improve it


I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY