teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Unemployment Offices just emailed me to be a truck driver. I can’t drive a vehicle let alone a transformer
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Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Being a zombie wouldn’t be that bad if it wasn’t for all the walking.
Flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that on the plane.
Me: this is my emotional support chainsaw.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
We missed out flight when the TSA discovered my musket hidden in my carry on bag.
Also, I couldn’t get my cell phone to charge because electricity hasn’t been invented yet.
I tried to think of a funny caption for this but nothing could improve it
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY