*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
You Might Also Like
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.