@dogmodog

Unexpected Judgment

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@lovemyboots111

How do you know your man is cheating?

When he drives by her place the wifi connects

@seanforhire

soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk

@JKickinit30

[job interview]

HR: You put that you were the branch manager…

Me: *empties pocket of sticks* Next question…

@bluetractor

I hate it when people call me judgemental

Especially people wearing shoes like that

@junejuly12

Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.

Priest: Murder, my child?

Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.

Priest: *gasp*

@juliussharpe

I just hope this Justin Bieber thing doesn’t make all yellow Lamborghini owners look bad.

@Seamus_the_Bold

I don’t think it’s rude to ask someone in an online dating site to send a picture posing with a copy of today’s newspaper.

@pinupteacher

ME: For my final wish, I’d like to lose some weight.

GENIE: Only way is to eat less and exercise more.

ME: This is bullshit.

@Grommit56

I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.

@david8hughes

Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point