How do you know your man is cheating?
When he drives by her place the wifi connects
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soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
HR: You put that you were the branch manager…
Me: *empties pocket of sticks* Next question…
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
I just hope this Justin Bieber thing doesn’t make all yellow Lamborghini owners look bad.
I don’t think it’s rude to ask someone in an online dating site to send a picture posing with a copy of today’s newspaper.
ME: For my final wish, I’d like to lose some weight.
GENIE: Only way is to eat less and exercise more.
ME: This is bullshit.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point