Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
*unexpected snow fall*
Americans: “It’s the end. The apocalypse is here!”
Canadians: “Huh…I might need a jacket”
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I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
I finally started writing the book on herbs I’ve been putting off for so long, I guess it’s..
:looks directly at the camera:
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ