Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
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Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
the prophecy has been fulfilled
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.