@realHamOnWry

*unexpected snow fall*

Americans: “It’s the end. The apocalypse is here!”

Canadians: “Huh…I might need a jacket”

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@trevso_electric

Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.

@Diversion50

I was raised by my father.

He was a competitive poker player.

@JayCee302

I finally started writing the book on herbs I’ve been putting off for so long, I guess it’s..

:looks directly at the camera:

“About thyme”

@JasonLastname

Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.

@trevso_electric

Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.

@TheAlexNevil

When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.

@dave_cactus

ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.

@BigJDubz

*time travels to the 1950s*

Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet

1950s person: incredible! How does it work?

Me:

@ShutUpThatsWho

ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!

BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.

@BoogTweets

Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse

Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you

Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ