Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
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Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Lmao
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!