Unfaithful Russian men come home to find all their stuff in a box in a box in a box in a box in a box in a box in a box on the sidewalk.

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If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.


My mom pops out from under the table while I’m on a date.

She’s always been a good eater. You see her hips? Good hips. Stand up, show him-


FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?

ME: She’s a real queen bee.

FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.

*a faint buzzing from my pocket*

ME: Dude, she’s right here.


Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….

Not as easy as it looks is it?


HER: omg are you playing with that damn potato again

ME: don’t listen to her Mashleigh she’s just jealous of what we have


2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say


Signs you’re a man:

*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.

*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.


I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.


*Stubs cigarette out in palm to look tough*
*waits till everyone leaves*
*takes out cell phone*
Hello 911?
Please send all your ambulances