[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
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Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber