If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Unfaithful Russian men come home to find all their stuff in a box in a box in a box in a box in a box in a box in a box on the sidewalk.
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My mom pops out from under the table while I’m on a date.
She’s always been a good eater. You see her hips? Good hips. Stand up, show him-
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
HER: omg are you playing with that damn potato again
ME: don’t listen to her Mashleigh she’s just jealous of what we have
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
*Stubs cigarette out in palm to look tough*
*waits till everyone leaves*
*takes out cell phone*
Please send all your ambulances