@schumoo

Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.

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@squirrel74wkgn

I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.

@ConanOBrien

Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.

@StellaRtwot

Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.

@CornOnTheGoblin

°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND

@BoogTweets

Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.

@LeahJM

Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.

@Sirrruh

One day my kids will find a “We’re Closed” sign for a grocery store & ask what it is & I’ll sound like the old guy explaining shit in Zelda.

@trevso_electric

“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance

@Jayson_Two_time

Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..

That’s when you push him in.